About clouds, bully brains and who we truly are
The sky, our souls, our light.
Someone reminded me that the sky is always blue. It can't be gray.
It's not even blue, now that I come to think of it... It just is.
Pure spaciousness. Expansive. Free... Like love.
It appears blue when the sun is shining, and it makes us feel safe.
And it gives the stage to the stars at night. Generously... Humbly. To make us feel amazed.
It pretends to shield us during the day, when we want to be bold and explore the earth; it opens itself to the entire universe at night, when we want to dream ourselves to a new world.
It is still. Everlasting. Perfect.
No matter what we think about it. No matter what we project onto it. No matter how many clouds wants to play, cry or roar in it... Unmovable. Welcoming. Gracious. The sky is always there. And it is, indeed, never gray.
I’ve learned that our soul is like the sky. This part of us which cannot be impaired, attacked or hurt. This part of us that cannot fear, disparage or judge. This part of us that is pure light, unconditional love and true compassion. This part of us that comes from God. This part of us that understands who or what God is… and where to find the God of our understanding. This part of us that is sacred and connected to everyone and everything else. This part that unites us all from the inside, in the same way that the sky unites all that is beside our skin.
And sometimes, in the sky, clouds appear, in the same way that thoughts and emotions can cloud our reality, cover our hearts, and prevent us from feeling the warmth of our loving sun. Or from seeing the light that surrounds us day and night… The light from our own guiding star or from the millions of millions of other stars which enlighten the heavens and beyond.
Today was one of these days for me... I felt small, I felt unsafe, I felt torn apart and I felt stuck. I felt lonely and, yet, I felt like speaking to no one, about nothing... ever again.
Part of me had decided and officially proclaimed that absolutely everything was over for good and nothing would ever EVER get better, because it was the end of the world and time to face the facts: Hope got covid and died.
Have you noticed how dramatic our inner critic tends to get? It throws ultimatum. It loves death threat. It hates everything, everyone and is very proud of it. It thinks it knows what no one else can understand -including us, which is... ironic. It swears off the human race and this planet twenty seven times a day as if it belonged to a superior species and came from a different galaxy unknown to humans.
It is loud, unforgiving, petty and relentless. No one stands a chance at redemption in its eyes; and when I say no one, it includes the cutest baby, grandpa or pug... and of course starts and ends with us. We never do anything right. We are wrong because we didn't listen to it when it warned us about... everything, and we are wrong when we listened to it, because who's crazy enough to listen to a voice in their head?
I call this inner critic Bully brain and I always invite the people I coach to personify it.
Is it a tiny animal? a little indignant ghost? a snobish cynical snake? a fuming cartoon character you met in your early years? One of my friends can't picture it and can only hear a sneaky tiny voice. One of my clients sees a little pig money box, always asking for more attention, more energy, more of what makes us who we are. Others describe to me an uptight little martian… Anger (from upside down) comes up a lot!
And in my imagination, bully brain looks like a little blue... brain -after all, that's its name!- with long skinny legs emerging from its spinal bulb, arms ending in Mickey Mouse's hands, and an outraged look in its eyes, covered by a pair of glasses which makes it look like a frustrated elementary school teachers from the mid-twentieth century. Why not? (I could say that the sky is the limit here, but I don't want to confuse you with too many skies analogies).
So today, no light was coming through me and no light was coming in. Bully brain was having a tantrum and would not let me have one breath of respite. It was scrutinizing every second in order to find something new to complain about I could not possibly refute, and it had decided that everything that anyone could say was dumb, offensive and aggravating. Some clouds were pouring their rain over my dreams, some were screaming over my favorite songs, and the others just stood there happy to block my ability to connect, emphasize or laugh.
A dark day indeed... and yet, somehow, at some point, the light found its way through the curtain of little worries and gargantuan fears which were clouding my inner sky. An answer I had been looking for in the rumbles of my fallen childhood for the last three months. An epiphany towards where to focus the fire which is currently fallowing my past, in order to help me build a better future for my heart in the everlasting now. A soothing realization that, yes, there was something wrong, something I couldn't see, something that needed to be done differently. The world was not ending, people were as lovable and adoringly annoying as usual, and, no! complaining had not suddenly become useful and productive. No.
Bully brain had just realized before me that I had taken a wrong turn on my road to integrity and it was trying to stop me in all the wrong ways for a good reason.
That's what bully brain does:
It screams and fights and runs in circle, waiting for someone to react, to listen, to take over. It’s a terrified orphan begging for someone to come and adopt it. So I did. I took this little bully brain of mine in my arms and promised it that it was all going to be alright, and that it could go back to sleep... It was not alone any more. “I'm here”.
The stormy thoughts are still there as I write, and the gray emotions right below the surface. Bubbling. Popping one at a time… and looking for a way out of me, while I let myself feel the waves of the wind, which comes to clear it all away from me. I am full of clouds today and I'm okay with that. Because I'm also feeling and seeing the light finding its way from my heart to the sun… and back.
Some days are like that. And so within, so without. So it is exactly how the sky looked when I took my frantic self for a soothing walk along the Hudson river. Clouds all around... around a radiant ray of light.
And don't they draw for us the most interesting and breathtaking skies?
I will leave you today with my favorite quote from Maya Angelou, as narrated by Oprah Winfrey when she recalled a time of great despair and the answer of magical Maya to her plead for comfort: "Whatever it is, say thank you Darling. Because you know God has put a rainbow in this cloud". God always does. We just have to keep our eyes open, wait for our minds to open again, and remember that no matter how dark it gets, our heart will never close on us for too long… if we just let ourselves trust Life and surrender to the storms.
Thanks Leo. Gorgeous words.
This is my favorite one so far. Just what I needed. Thank you.