Hello my caring friend,
How happy I am to sit down and write to you, on this chilly but sunny New York morning…
It means I made it home. It means I made it through.
As previously mentioned I was off to California for The School for The Work last week, with the indescribable Byron Katie and a hundred or so other deeply open minded and compassionate beings.
It was the kind of experience that restarts your life. Those defining moments that separate the “before” and the “after”, as a chapter permanently closes and a new one is born into words.
It was deep, magical and oh so meaningful.
It was raw, tenderizing and at times incredibly painful.
I described the Work and its four questions HERE. The goal is to witness our stressful thoughts, to get deeply curious about them, to understand them and to witness them letting go. The goal is to get still and to go as deep as it takes to understand what we are projecting on the situation. The goal is to be free, and to free ourselves we must choose to unlock the chains that hold us prisoners inside our mind.
It requires a level of honesty and vulnerability that most of us have been taught to abhor. It requires the willingness to be utterly responsible for our experience and what we choose—consciously or not—to make of it. It requires courage and trust, and the willingness to let go of what we think we know for sure.
I went there fully aware of what I was trying to achieve, fully aware that my stressful thoughts are anchored in terrifying and lonely stories. I went there realizing that I would have to think about them for the work to do its magic! And, as usual, I went there hoping that there was a way to think about it enough to not have to feel any of it.
It didn’t work.
I knocked at the door of my psyche and shame opened the door wide opened for me.
I don’t feel like I’m on the other side of it. I’m right in the middle. I see images of the past pretending to be images of the future and taking me away from the present moment relentlessly, as I try to explore the roots of my unprocessed grief.
Interestingly enough there was a baby earthquake while we were there. I guess the outside world really is a reflection of our inner one… I’ve been shaken to my core, physically and spiritually.
The good news is that when you tear down the walls between what feels like an objective reality and the inner realm we all project on the world, you also free the Earth angels that were hidden from view by your defenses:
I met the kindest, sweetest, most intelligent and delightful people I could ever have hoped to find on our blue planet; and they’re part of my family now. I feel so fortunate and grateful, it’s hard to put into words. I don’t understand how they could love me so easily or how I can love them and trust them so wholeheartedly, already! But that’s a fact I’m willing to accept and surrender to immediately. I don’t remember not knowing them… and I don’t ever want to not know them again. That’s enough for me.
That’s the rainbow in the storm and that’s enough to justify choosing to dive knee deep into the storm. For sure. But I also have to acknowledge that I am now soaking wet and that everything inside of me feels raw, exposed and unhealed. Which confronts me to a limit I don’t know yet how to flow over, my inability to feel my grief and feel safe at the same time. I feel like everybody will abandon me and I watch my mind look for proofs that it has already happened, that people are leaving, that I’m about to be all alone again—and that I will deserve it. Because who was I to dare to be sad?
I count the hours since the last time my best friend texted every ten minutes, I wonder why no one is calling me—overlooking the fact that I asked for space and that I would not choose to answer right now anyway. I put a bright smile on my face and wonder why no one realizes how much it hurts inside. I tell myself that “It’s okay, it’s all right, it’s amazing! leo, you’re doing great: just keep going, doing, running. It’s exciting, there’s no need to slow down, pause or adjust! Of course not. Let’s just keep going like nothing happened and witness (or at least pretend?) that now everything feels like a miracle. It’s time to take the personality of the enlightened one—that’s what was supposed to happen. Now suck it up and get onboard with the program.” And surprisingly enough, it doesn’t work.
I feel lonely and vulnerable. I feel very small and very young. I feel unable to process any of what happened and not sure I fit anywhere into the world anymore. To be fair, I wasn’t really sure about this before either, but the difference now is how painfully aware I am of my every thought. The good news is I’m also good at questioning them instantly! Yet they still have time to leave bruises on my figurative body.
Because I now know the story of me according to me: “I am the problem this world did not need. I am the reason “everything bad that happened” happened to me. My mother was right when she said I am a burden who should cease to exist and that no one will ever love me—nor should they, because if they do something terrible will happen to them. And I’d better not cry about it: because that would be adding insult to injury.”
That’s not a very pleasant story to carry, so another piece of good news is that I’m highly motivated to get rid of it.
I love remembering that there is no so-called painful truth that can withstand inquiry (another name for The Work of Byron Katie). It was obvious last week. We all spent our entire days questioning each other’s painful thoughts and not one of them had made the cut by the end of the school/retreat.
However, there’s another obvious fact I can no longer deny after last week: there is no getting rid of a gut wrenching story, without first feeling it…
And feeling that story is just that: gut wrenching.
So I’ll model the work on this page by questioning the belief “This world would be better off without me”.
I know I’m not the only one struggling with this one, so it gives me some comfort to know that it might be helpful to someone else than me.
Somehow it makes it worth it to dare taking the place to exist… and FEEL.
THE WORK BY BYRON KATIE
One belief at a time:
This world would be better off without me.
Question 1: Is it true (yes or no)?
Yes.
That yes was just undeniable. Whether I want it or not, I believe this.
Question 2: Can I absolutely know that it’s true (yes or no)?
No…
If I pause and let my awareness scan my body and check with my heart and my belly, there’s no denying that I feel a strong NO coming up. My body answers “You can’t know that my Darling. You just can’t know that for sure. Breathe and keep going.”
So I’ll keep going.
Question 3: What happens, how do I react when I believe this thought?
I want to shriek… I want to die. I want the world to be rid of its problems and I’ve tried everything. I’ve fixed what I know how to fix. I’ve opened my mind, I've opened my heart… Of course there’s still a lot I can heal but I also feel EXHAUSTED. If the current me is still not enough, it means I just don’t know what is so wrong with me. That’s when despair slowly takes over me.
I feel constriction in my throat and in my chest. I feel my heart sink and contract. I feel my belly tighten and my breathing gets shallow and rapid. I feel my arms brace and energy leaving my legs. I feel a hollowness starting in my chest and then freezing my entire body.
I want to prove that I can compensate for my brokenness so I try to save, to solve, to fix. I become a rescuer and rob people of their own agency: I just need you to see I’m valuable too damn much to listen to you! All I want is for you to get hooked to all the ways I’ve learned that could help you—so that I can find the one way that will help you so much, it will make you love me (or at the very least tolerate me, because I’ve lost my ambition for more at that point).
I want to hide and I don’t share who I really am with anyone anymore. “If they knew me, they would hate me” becomes some kind of self-fulfilling prophecy, because no one can be kind, genuine, open and compassionate when their survival is on the line.
I try to become who I believe you need or want me to become, and both of us lose access to me in the process.
I also try to see who else is to blame in the world so that I don’t have to carry all this shame and guilt alone—lonely is just too lonely alone when you feel this unworthy. Misery NEEDS company.
Finally, I berate myself constantly and punish myself through poor food choices, lack of sleep, overdoing, overthinking and a self-imposed quarantine. I stop sharing my love, my songs, my optimism, and what inspires me. I stop checking on you… and I can’t mirror back to you how bright and beautiful and precious you are anymore.
I disappear.
Question 4: Who would you be without that thought?
I would be… free.
Free to love, to sing, to write and to breathe with my entire body. I would dance for no reason and I would listen to all you have to say wholeheartedly. I would learn this world by heart, indeed.
I would let Life lead me anywhere I’m needed—even if it’s only to smile, to hold someone’s hand, to look into their eyes. That would be enough. That would be more than enough. That would be magical.
I would celebrate each minute I’m given on Earth with the reverence and gratitude I actually feel for this incredible experience. I would call my beloveds every day just to hear their voices, never wondering if it’s okay, if it’s allowed, if it’s convenient, if I can repay the favor of being tolerated by taking on my shoulders any battle they’re facing.
I would stop weighing every word I sing or write, against the cost of my life and I would stop trying to fix everything that is me.
I would wake up excited for all I get to live through today and go to bed in awe that I now get to dream about it... I would not try to compensate all day for the hurt I probably inflicted without knowing it.
I would stop looking for proof that I don’t belong and gravitating towards those who hate themselves and can therefore project their hate on me.
I would see abusive behaviors for what they are, instead of convincing myself that abusers are truth tellers who can finally reveal what needs to be erased and crucified in me.
I would stop running... I would rest even! I would sing without being terrorized that people want me to shut up and die instantly.
Bonus question: Do I have any stress-free reason to keep this thought?
Hmmm.
None.
Bonus question: Does the idea of dropping this thought scare me?
YES!
If I don’t hold on to it, how will I fix me?
Last step: What are the turnarounds and three examples showing that each of them are as true or truer than my current belief?
This world would NOT be better off without me.
There would still be wars and tragedies no one could foresee.
I am only one person… Even if there’s something evil about me, one can hope that it’s being compensated by the 8 billion other human souls, by Nature, by all that is.
The climate would not be greatly improved by the disappearance of only one being who’s trying really hard to make sure that she’s not part of that problem to begin with.
This world would be WORSE without me.
I do believe that the songs and words I download from the ether—and through my heart—feel healing for those who listen to them or read them.
I am being told repeatedly that I have a gift for facilitating coaching in a safe and loving place… and I do witness the awe inspiring transformation of those who do this work with me.
My best friend is a sun that this world needs and she tells me that she shines even brighter because of me.
I would be better off without THIS WORLD.
I would be better off without the cruel world that this narrative creates inside of me and that I can’t even fully believe in. Because I know, I just KNOW, that ALL people are good inside, and that the only thing that can ever be wrong with us is the way we think at the very moment where we behave out of integrity. I don’t believe there’s any exception… so I can’t believe I’m beyond hope. That makes no sense.
Without the conditioning I inherited, I would not even entertain the idea that this world would be better off with me. So I would be better off without “this” world, as in the world I grew up in.
I cannot find a third example… so I won’t force it because it is an exercise in truth, not perfectionism.
I would be better off without ME.
I sure would when I think like that! I would be better off without me as in “my thinking” when I tell myself that “this world would be better off without me”. I would live in question 4!! And the view seems to be very pleasing…
I would be better off without a sense of identity that wants me to believe that I’m broken and dangerous and evil. Without that image that is not grounded in much reality but that haunts me constantly. Because we become what we believe ourselves to be, so without knowing how it would look like exactly, I just know that I would be contributing more without that belief—and I would be taking better care of me.
I would be better off without my story… If I woke up today with no memory, I’m pretty sure that thought would not be the first one to find me.
Interestingly enough, we’re supposed to do this work by anchoring first in a situation that justifies our belief and… I couldn’t really find one that would still fully justify it.
My mind gave me lots of examples of life-altering events that I need to grieve, but I could witness that my core belief that “it all happened because of me” (her death, his actions, their reactions, those tears, that moment…) has already been shaken and lost a lot of power over me.
THAT’s the magic of Byron Katie.
While you work on one set of belief, a lot of other little ghosts are set free to go and live happily ever after in another land.
The land each of us holds at the core of our being…
A Land called Unconditional Love.
A land called Everlasting Hope.
A Land called Peace.
Care.Check: It’s your turn my beloved friend.
Grab a Judge your neighbor worksheet HERE and DO THE WORK.
If you help with it, you know where to find me!
I love you deeply.
With kindness, love and light–because I truly believe they’re our most sacred offering to this world.
Always,
leo