How do we know what we know?
How do you know what you know?
How do you differentiate what is true, deep, grounded, authentic, undeniably real, from what is just another projection, an unrecognized reflection, a biased perception, a misguided conclusion... a fear?
How do you know which part of your heart is talking? The unfaltering part that is so eager to love unconditionally... or the wounded part that is craving attachment and validation and is ready to sacrifice anything to get it.
How do you know if it's even your heart talking, or only your mind trying to manipulate your feelings? How do you know when to push, when to pull, when to stand still?
How do you know what is right? and if it feels right to you or only seems right according to your conditioning?
How do you know where I end and where you begin?
How do I know where I end? How do I know where I begin? How do I know what is you and how do I know what is me?
How do I know for sure?
How can I make sure not to make a mistake that will cost us both the love we were co-creating? How do I know that I'm not denying the fact that if it was love that we felt, none of this would be happening?
We are so eager to find definitions to hold on to, maps of the human body, of the human psyche. We want concepts, we want certainty, we want failure proofed behaviors and laws to follow blindly. And then we open our eyes, walk through our days and feel deeply betrayed when we realize that it is all a fantasy.
I keep on quoting Prentis Hemphill’s definition of boundaries because of how impactful it is. Boundaries are "the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously". What a beautiful way of phrasing it. What an powerful take. So simple... But not so easy. Because it requires us to know what love is... And to know how to distinguish love from fear.
So how do we distinguish the two? Am I afraid to let you in or am I afraid to let you go?
It was a theme in my day. And as I was walking through the park to reflect and try to find my answers I stopped to look at the sky and at the water. Clouds in both of them. And yet of course, clouds in only one of them. But how could my eyes know the difference if I had not been taught that clouds belong to the sky and are not actually floating on lakes?
We just don't know what we don't know... and we don't know until we know. That's a fact of life and one that we struggle to accept. We learn by experience. There's only so much we can learn from others and very little we can truly anticipate.
When we get hurt, something in us closes. A wall arises. Our sight gets clouded. For our own protection, yes, but also at our own expense. This is why it is so crucial to forgive. Only then can we know what's really happening around us. Only then can we access the part of us that knows. This part that is so precious that we feel compelled to lock it away deep inside under a ton of beliefs and rules, which we make up to protect ourselves... not realizing how limiting and heavy they are going to be, and not understanding that they are not shielding us from what could hurt us in the outside world, they are cutting us from what can save us in our inner world. They are cutting us from Love.
Forgiveness has nothing to do with the person or event which hurt us. Forgiveness is deciding that the hurt does not define us and choosing to tend to what was broken instead of focusing on who or what broke something in us. Forgiveness is getting to know those tender parts that were bruised or burned or torn apart... and prove to ourselves that we've got this, because we've got us, because we're stronger that what happened, we are resilient beings, able to heal, able to adapt, able to inquire and find out what's really going on, able to keep going and start again now. And then again now. And then again... NOW. AND now.
Forgiveness is having our own backs, understanding why it hurt, what needs to be strengthened, cared for and nourished instead of barricaded, and then reconnecting to this deep knowing that is always there. Waiting for us to ask. Waiting for us to listen. Waiting for us to surrender, exhale and let the answer guide our path, instead of running in circles in quest of an answer we will never find outside of ourselves.
How do we know what we know... How do we know when to push, when to pull, when to stand still... How do we know if it's time to let go or to let someone in... How do we know what is love and what is fear?
By accepting that, in most cases, we don't know. By being humble, by being vulnerable, by being present. By feeling all the feelings, even those who feel unholy or suffocating.
By investigating all our thoughts, even those who are not pretty or magnanimous or empowering, by being who we are because that's all we're ever going to be... By showing up.
By looking our fears in the eyes and telling them that we're not afraid of them and that we will love them unconditionally. By looking love in the eyes and pledging not to be afraid of her and to surrender wholeheartedly. By knowing that if we get hurt again, we will survive it. By knowing that if we feel love again, all will be the better for it.
By trusting ourselves. By tending to our fears. By choosing love over and over again. Until there is nothing left... to fear.
How do we know what we know? By asking.