It's not me, it's you.
And it doesn't matter, because it's not about you anyway...
How do you forgive?
Someone, Fate, yourself.
HOW?
Does anyone know?
We're talking more and more about those so-called life hacks (as if the goal of Life was to kill us and not to survive through us...) to make sure our body can stand the test of time. But what about our hearts?
What about who we are inside of this body that we are asking to keep us on Earth a little longer?
Don't get me wrong, I'm all for taking care of the extraordinary home we came down here in. This beautiful, caring, generous, clever body who's always serving us, breathing us, fueling us, carrying us whether we acknowledge -and thank it- or not. The body is always on our side and mostly paying the storing prices for all that we don't feel able to think through, to feel, to admit.
The body holds the trauma we can't release, to protect us when it's just too much for us to take. The body accepts the fear and anger that our unexamined thoughts produce. The body understands we didn't have time to feed it today or to let it sleep last night. The body copes with how thirsty we are or how full our bladder is. "If we could help we would" seems to be the body's mantra and it is the law it follows: As long as I can help you, I will. I will give you everything I have... until I'm empty. And even then I will try to do what you asked of me, no matter how mean you are to me or how frustrated you get with the limitations you're the reason I'm stuck in.
So yes, let's take care of our bodies! And if it allows us to age well, to stay around longer and in good shape, and therefore to share all that we spent decades to learn to understand, I'm all for it. But what about the most important part of us? The part that we cannot touch or see, the part we can only feel? What about our heart energy, our well of Love, Joy and Peace... What about what makes us the loving loved one we were meant to be?
We all intuitively get that forgiveness is the answer to everything... and yet, we are taught about grammar and mathematics from a very young age, and then shown terrible breakout news and excel sheets all day, until we reach the time where medical bills and the wrinkles on our skins are supposed to keep us occupied and focused. But no one teaches us what we most need. Connection, trust, intimacy.
And how to forgive.
I don't have all the answer but I have gathered some clues along the way that I'm hoping to make sense of by writing to you about it. I truly hope my writing can help you remember a part of yourself you forgot along the way... it warms my heart when you tell me that a word felt kind or true or like the sign you needed that day! And as stated above, warming our hearts is one of my biggest priorities. But I am also deeply grateful for this chance to remember what I didn't know I knew, by reading the lines I would not be able to write for myself alone. I write about self-care, self-trust and self-love at length, because it is what I most need to understand... I believe it is what most of us were sent in this world to learn. I believe it is our mission and our privilege. I believe that I am how I love you, how I trust you, how I care for you... and that if I want to be there for you, I need to make sure that I am the most integrated me I can be. I believe that it is our greatest call and responsibility. For us to nurture our dreams and to hone our gifts. That's how we make the difference God created us to co-create.
Which brings me back to forgiveness... and to what it means. Because that might be the foundation of our struggle. We don't understand forgiveness.
It feels like condoning what was done to me, like accepting the way you mistreated me, like giving up the knowledge that I deserved better, like I'm carrying the hurt and the duty to erase it while you walk this earth unharmed, unbothered and free.
I remember a friend telling me that she wished she could forgive someone but that she couldn't pretend that she wasn't limping now that they had figuratively shot her in the foot. That it made no sense to her to pretend it didn't happen when the consequences were so blatantly obvious. That she didn't care if they meant it or not, she couldn't walk now and it was their fault: why would she give them another chance to her hurt? And even more importantly… how could she?
And that's probably the first misconception we get trapped in. Forgiveness does not mean restored access. Forgiveness does not mean I'm relieving you from feeling guilty, shame, responsible or anything you are meant to feel. Forgiveness means that I am free. Forgiveness means that I'm not carrying the hate, blame, sorrow or questions what you did seeded in me. Forgiving you as nothing to do with you. You might be sad if I don't forgive you and relieved if I do, but that's not the point of forgiveness. You might not give a damn if I forgive you or never find the courage to ask me if I did... that doesn't change the fact that I forgave you or not. Forgiveness is not a transaction. Forgiveness means understanding.
Forgiveness starts when my ego can stop using you to torture me, and when I let my soul use what you did to heal me. Forgiveness asks us to open our mind to non duality. To see that nothing is inherently good or bad... The hurt lies in what I make it mean.
If we're in a romantic partnership, I need you to only be romantically intimate with me. That's what makes sense to me. However some humans do not care at all who you're with and what you do when they're not here. Therefore you kissing another person is not a sin in itself. What you're doing is only good or bad for you, as it relates to your values. And what you're doing can align with what I need or not depending on mine. The question is not why you did this "to me"... That reason has NOTHING to do with me.
That's another tricky part to grasp. We don't do things for or against others. We do things for or against ourselves. I act depending on what I think, feel and believe at any given time. I think it's because of you, but it's only and always coming from me. And once I can have a glimpse of this truth in me, I can start seeing that if it is true for you too. It is true for all of us. We are projecting devices seeing the world as a reflection of the world we think we're in and not objective observers of the actual world we're a part of. We unconsciously use other people to justify what we think and feel. If I believe I am not worthy of respect, I will choose people who constantly disrespect me. That's what will make sense to me... and we're wired to go towards what feels familiar, because -for better and for worse- that's what feels safe to our nervous system... and our nervous system's job is to drive us away from fear. That's why our nervous system, just like us, needs our heart so very much! To rewire us from fear-avoidance towards love-seeking.
So if what you did says something about you and not about me (I'm not someone you lied to, because I'm not worthy of being told the truth; you're someone who lies and that's why you lied to me), and if my forgiving you changes something for me, not for you, what is the next step on the path?
Looking in.
We're trained to scan our outside world whenever an emotion arises. What is my source of joy? It must be you. What is my source of pain? You again. After all, you were the one facing me in both cases. Or it could be the beauty of the sky... or the rain on my wedding day. The solution is outside. I've been told it is. The problem is outside. I'm sure of it. And yet, none of those statements are true... My nemesis is someone else's favorite person, and someone dislikes the human I love most. The rain can be the curse of one human and the favorite weather of another person. The outside is not good or bad, the outside just is. When an emotion arises, it's an invitation to check inside what it means. Let's take a smile or a loving hug. For most people, it feels safe and inviting. For someone with PTSD it can be seen as a greater threat that a fist or a scream. What matters is never our judgement of the situation, but our curiosity about it.
And so here's the big question... Why did what you did hurt me? What did I make it mean? How did it break my heart? Or more accurately why did my heart break itself when it witnessed what you did...?
Which fear did it confirm?
The fear that no one can be trusted? You're not everyone. You're you. It only means objectively that YOU can't be trusted. And even there... there is room for inquiry. Can't you ever be trusted about anything? by anyone? EVER? (Let’s sit with this one).
The fear that I'm unlovable? Because one person (who probably loves me by the way) betrayed my hopes and trust? Does it really mean that no one among 7 billions humans or that no animal will ever love me? There are people I don't love. They feel unsafe to me, untrustworthy, unkind. How strange it is to notice that I don't make it mean they're unlovable... I know it only means I can't love them (or can only love them from a distance). If they're lovable even when I don't love them, why would the fact that someone doesn't appear to love me -or chooses to betray me besides the love they have for me- mean that I'm not worthy of love, ever?
The fear that I'm not worthy of respect? We live in a world where not being a man, white, straight and wealthy is seen as a reason to be disrespected by many. Every action having a reaction, a lot of people have in return lost respect for white, straight, wealthy men. But think of a person you know who identifies as a woman, as a person of color, as a gay person or as a white straight wealthy man... Think about how much you love and respect them! Not being respected has nothing to do with our worthiness for respect.
Te fear that I'm not enough? If you're breathing, you're enough. That's basically all we need to start opening our mind and our heart today. And opening our mind and our heart is all we can do at any given time or any given day... I'm not saying it is an easy truth to embody but something in us knows it's true nevertheless, at the very least because it applies to everyone else. And once again, the probability that we're the only human for whom an universal truth does not apply is... thin.
I can't unroot all of our limiting beliefs in a few paragraphs and I'm not trying to. I'm just showing us that they exist, and that they're the cracks in our hearts... Not what anyone else did or thought.
Forgiveness is about understanding where the crack was and about tending to it. Forgiveness is about understanding that there are cracks in your heart too and that's what's driving your behavior. If you don't feel worthy of my love, you will resent me for loving you. That's a heartbreaking truth and one of the most important one to ponder.
If you don't believe you're worthy of love, you don't trust love and confuse love with energetic transactions. I do this for you to do that, and you do that for me to do this. Why would we trust this pattern? It's not love, it's manipulation. Unconscious manipulation, but manipulation. A misguided kind of interaction. It's not an act of war per se, yet it's a defense mechanism and when you let yourself really think about it, you realize that defense is the first act of war... In any case, it's not Love.
Forgiveness is about letting the experience guide you where you needed light and love. No... they couldn't give it to you, but you can. And you didn't know you needed to, so you couldn't before, but you can now. Forgiveness is about realizing that it took losing them to find you. Forgiveness is about realizing that we're all doing the best we can and that what truly hurts is when we disappoint and abandon ourselves, not other people's shortcomings. When I can show up for me, I don't need you to any more… and I can see that I was asking from you what I could only receive from me. That I accepted things from you that it was not your job to restrain, but mine. That the fact that you invaded my boundaries means that my boundaries were not clear enough for me yet to create. My heart did not break because you did not meet my needs, my heart broke because I chose to outsource my needs to someone who was never going to meet them.
Forgiveness comes when I understand that it's not about forgiving you because what you did never had anything to do with me; what you did is yours to deal with, forgive and understand. Forgiveness comes when I understand that it's not about forgiving you, it's about forgiving myself. For making a mistake I didn't know yet how to prevent and did not have the skills not to make.
Forgiveness comes naturally when I understand myself because understanding is the bridge between us and unconditional love, and therefore understanding brings me back to my heart... where love can mend itself and where I can witness that the cracks were never the problem. The cracks are the answers, the windows to my soul. The cracks are my way home... and you guided me the cracks.
So thank you, I forgive you... I forgive me. I forgive by understanding that I don't have to “forgive”. Forgiveness is not something we do... forgiveness is something we allow.