A new chapter is beginning right now on my healing journey. And with renewed awareness comes the need for new ways.
In a quote widely attributed to Einstein -with a slightly different wording depending on the source, you can't solve a problem with the level of awareness which created it. We need to go deeper. Below or above the egoic pattern -or trauma responses- which drove us into this wall in the first place.
A lot of us use the word ego in very different ways, so let me explain what I call the ego.
The ego is our fictional sense of self. The story we tell ourselves about where we come from, who we are and where we're going now. The ego is the voice in our head constantly telling us what is good and what is bad, what is wrong and what is right. The ego is everything from the persecutor within to the inner child. It is made of the internalized voices of our parents, the diktat of our culture and the inherited aspirations of our peers. It is fueled by everything that should have been different and all that “should have been” but never was. It is composed of all those immediate thoughts we think are our own and rooted in all the unexamined beliefs we've been unconsciously operating by since our early childhood. It's the inner victim AND the inner rescuer; it's the underground conspiracy artist and the self-appointed almighty judge of Mankind.
It's the inner orphanage we all have inside of us... a bunch of terrified little kids trying to find a safe way to navigate a terrifying world of made up monsters and not so made up challenges. It is our sense of separateness, our sense of superiority and/or complete lack of self-esteem (yes those are actually the same phenomenon); it's our fear of being too much and terror of not being enough. It's our source of attachments and of constant projections. It's the human part of us... for better and for worse. The part we put around our being.
I learned this definition from Eckhart Tolle. His kind and soft wisdom has been leading me on my way home since the winter of 2019. I started reading his book A New Earth every morning when I woke up, and it was the beginning of a new way of living, feeling, reflecting, being for me. A literal and figurative awakening process I guess. And it has felt both very sudden and very slow.
It was sudden because once you realize that you're not your ego, but the one being either driven by or aware of it, everything changes.
It was very slow because I had 35 years of unlearning to go through. 35 years on a road where every inch led me further away from what I knew to be true with every fiber of my being. It's hard to put into words, because it's not a concept, it's an experience. A journey which gives you both the feeling of finally flying again but with the concomitant relief of finally dropping in. This spiritual journey which takes you deeper and deeper into your essence as a way to then allow your true self to come to the surface, and gently meet the outside world.
And how different the outside world looks now.
I remember thinking that people were mean, the world dangerous, and dreams sadistic traitors who lure you into a fantasy realm where they can secretly win your heart... in order to shutter it publicly. I had given up on singing, on writing and on New York. I had given up on hope and thought that it was Hope's fault. I called trauma bonds and transactional relationships love, and wondered why I felt so lonely and disconnected all the time. My body could only reach my awareness through excruciating pain, which in return made me want to run even further away from my body. I ate either way too little in a week or way too much in one setting. I couldn't sleep and had given up on trying to do so without either meds or alcohol. I either drown in work, in Netflix, in someone else's drama or in a glass -which means a bottle- of Cabernet Sauvignon.
I wondered why every day was so damn hard and why my beloved patients fought so hard to stay in such an unkind and empty world. I wondered why no one could ever understand me and what I had done to make Luck so afraid of me. I lived through every second in the name of people who didn't seem to wonder what Life was like for me, ever. I tried to fix for others what I was not able to acknowledge in me. I thought that the way out of this hollow feeling of helplessness was to be constantly helpful to every one else but me... It never crossed my mind that I was forfeiting all my energy on the altar of external validation, never keeping any spark to warm my own heart or light the candle of self-worthiness within. I trusted blindly those who were betraying my trust on a daily basis, and ran away from any compassionate soul who tried to hold a mirror of my wounds, for me to finally take a second to sit, breathe or heal.
And then... everything changed. Suddenly! and yet so slowly.
Because that's how we change. Both in an instant... and in the course of a lifetime.
Both in a second! when the lighting strikes, igniting a new vibrant fire in a dark corner of our wounded psyche, thereby reuniting the unconditional love we hold in our soul, with the exiled parts of our personality imprisoned by the tyranny of Shame, by the chains of Regret and Sorrow, by the crippling energy of Fear…
And also then through a life long journey. A journey back and forth between our compassionate heart and the habituated reactions our nervous system brings us back to, until we've gathered the level of consciousness we need to pause, assess and choose differently. To start again empowered by Love, and not anymore blinded by Fear.
We change instantly because nothing will never be the same once we're gained a new sunbeam of awareness... and it takes a lifetime to change because there's only so much we're present for during our days, and so much more we do, say, think and feel automatically.
Our journey home is a always a painful one by design, because we need to explore the desertic lands of our pain to find our way back to the oasis of Peace which awaits us within.
And wandering in the desert is neither fun nor sexy. It drains you of all your water (be it through sweat... or tears) and doesn't offer any in return. The thirst for relief is beyond description and yet in this profoundly humbling experience, something starts to shift.
You start to recognize your true yearnings from the false needs we plague ourselves with. When you realize that fighting is pointless and not your safest bet for survival, you suddenly remember how valuable our time on Earth is. You see the beauty of the sky and realize it's always there, even when you're so deeply struggling. You feel the softness of the sand and you remember that we're always being held and supported, no matter how lonely we let ourselves feel. You dream of a different landscape that the one you're in, while finally admitting to yourself that the mirage your heart is projecting to keep you motivated, looks nothing alike the land you come from either. You reconnect to what being thirsty for what truly nourishes you feels like; you witness how different it tastes from the Kool-Aid we are compulsively driven to drink to take us to a so-called better world - one that has never existed nor ever will be, but that is used to lead us to hate and destroy the extraordinary planet we live on. You witness how generous and resilient your body truly is while it reorganizes itself to help you crawl your way over the dunes and valleys. You feel yourself dying and at the same time, you feel yourself come alive. For the first time in a very long time. Maybe for the first time ever. You lose the labels, the deadlines, the pettiness of our inner schemes and mischiefs, and all that is left is the current of energy in your veins, limbs and voice, in your heart... All is left is your essence, your soul, unconditional Love, who you truly are. The oasis of Peace appears in front of you in a blink and you're mesmerized. Everything looks the same and everything is so different. The light is more radiant than ever but the darkness is not scary any more. There's Beauty everywhere and everything feels vibrant; you know you're part of it all, it all makes sense finally... You're home.
The desert has disappeared and as you take it all in you suddenly realize that the finding is never in the running... the finding happens by opening our eyes.
I was called to open my eyes again last Saturday... I have opened my eyes on a lot of other things in the last three years and a half. I know how delicious the reward is, how life altering those moments are. How impactful it always is on how I sing, write, love and breathe. On who I then get to be on the level of form...
I know how much closer it moves me every time to the truth of who I am. How kinder it makes me. How much my heart will expand. How relieved my body will feel and I know how much creativity and insight will fill my mind and daily life.
I know it's all worth it. I know how precious the post traumatic growth is, and how much wisdom the dead part of my ego will have left behind for me to inherit. I know denying the past does not change it but that retrieving it allows us to rewrite it.
I know that even when you only see the desert, you're actually standing in front of the oasis. I know that I will answer this call because I know this call only wants what's best for me. No matter how much pain there is to process, pain is only a messenger when we don't strangle it into suffering. I will open my eyes. I'm almost ready... I stepped into the desert once again and I'm welcoming the thirst, the fear, the endless horizon of sand and the unbearable heat.
I know that it will melt new part of the armor I was trained to carry, an armor which got me to where I am but is now preventing me both from taking roots and from flying.
I know I will remember so much more that those horrific memories... I will remember who I was before I had to close this part of my heart I am now prevented from visiting. I will find the oasis and an even greater sense of awe and peace. I know all this, and I also know that this journey started in a second and that, in hindsight, I will remember it as the second I was freed. But I also know that this journey will take hours, weeks or maybe years, and that I will need to be very patient while traveling.
Because our heart can either break open... or it can break into pieces, depending of who's doing the breaking. The ego's greedy quest for drama or the soul's generous invitation for peace.
CARECHECK: Can you hear your soul gently calling for your attention on a narrative that is not serving you, towards a direction you never allowed yourself to envision before?
What is the smallest step you could take towards investigating this new area of growth?
How could you give yourself first what you need to feel safe before a little trip in the desert ? and what are the treasures you think one can find in an oasis?
No matter how those questions land on you, take a second to welcome them. On a page, through a drawing or by just letting them go through you and disappear.
Trust that if you're ever ready to open your eyes, they will reappear to guide you and remind you that YOU'VE GOT THIS.