The capacity to be with your capacity
Defining capacity and why it is the foundation of our healing and life's quality
Hello my caring friend,
How have you been? Would you like to share with me one thing that happened to you since last week and either helped you shift your perspective on one topic you were struggling to see differently, or that made you realize that magic is indeed a part of our lives, once we understand what real-life magic means?
I can share first.
This week, a series of events led me to understand a very important truth about repair within relationships. I’ve learned that (well, relearn but I guess relearning is an active part of learning—as learning is a process, not an event) if someone is not willing to go on the repair journey with us, it doesn’t mean that we were wrong to try to pause and dig deeper together. It only means that this other person is not ready for that level of authenticity and intimacy.
Because we don’t actually get a choice to repair or not our relationship once the rupture has happened, we only get to choose if we want to keep the relationship or not… If so, repair has to be the next step, no matter how much time and words it takes.
Otherwise, once the tear is there, it will only spread if we don’t put some light and love on it.
So when someone tells you that “if repair needs to happen between us (be it more than once or at all, it means there’s something wrong with the relationship itself”, they’re actually saying that they are not ready or willing—or ABLE—to do what it takes to save it. And, as we all tend to do when we lack the capacity to do something, they try to put the blame on the person asking for repair—labeling them as needy, difficult, demanding or unreasonable—out of self-defense. Because they just won’t face the fact that they cannot meet the need, the difficulty, the demand, the reason, behind the request.
Now, why does this feel so important and freeing to me? Because, otherwise, it is easy to get trapped in a very vicious cycle:
If we believe that whenever we feel there is rupture in a relationship, it means that we are doing something wrong, that we are being too much or not enough, we learn to disengage from our relationships whenever something hurts—and we lose the most important foundation for connection and trust: the ability to repair.
And because we, human beings, are actually not driven to what feels safe to us, but instead are wired to feel safe with what is familiar, we then unconsciously choose over and over again people who match our belief of the world—which fosters an inner narrative of loneliness and self-depreciation.
We end up leaving our side willingly, in order to firmly guard the side of the other.
We find control the only way we can, by either building a wall to keep the person that hurt us away—most of the time without ever trying to tell them why—or we default to controlling the only person we can, ourselves, through self-belittling and self-blame.
We convince ourselves that if someone reacts negatively to a boundary or a request, it means we’re inappropriate beings or a very bad person. That we should have been able to get over it. That we shouldn’t have cared that much. That if we loved them, we would cope with it silently AND with a smile on our face. Which guides us back to why it is so crucial to differentiate the realm of Love and the turf of Acceptance. (I wrote about it last week.)
But here is what I’m now learning, as I surround myself more and more with people who are also committed to leading their lives with self-awareness, self-care and intention… The people who have capacity want you to tell them when something has hurt, perplexed or triggered you. They are grateful you had the courage to bring it up, to show them who you really are (which is a good thing, no matter how scary this turn of phrase has become) and to tell them what they needed to know in order not to lose you. They feel relieved that they know, and excited about the deepening of the shared intimacy and connection that will come from it all.
I can attest how thankful I am, when someone tells me that what I did or said did not have the impact I thought it would. I am glad when they help me realize that I was behaving in an unconscious way, and stepping out of my integrity, body and heart. I’m grateful when they lead me to realize that I was being driven by unexamined defense mechanisms.
I also can testify of how exhausting it is to be around people who just disappear, become restless, silent or passive aggressive when something did not go the way they wanted, and when you’re left to do all the heavy work of figuring out when it started, how and what the trigger could have been. It’s exhausting and terrifying. It’s useless and hurtful.
If we’re part of a relationship where repair is not seen as a goal and as more important than the lack of rupture, there is no chance for authenticity, connection or embodied love. That’s how much it matters.
And that’s why self-care is the least selfish thing anyone could focus on. That’s why self-care is not only what we need, but what others need from us the most. That’s why I created Care.Check for us to have the important conversations that will allow us to feel allowed to care for ourselves wholeheartedly, and to heal deeply—for our own sake and for the sake of everyone on this journey with us.
Because self-care is how we build that capacity to repair within relationships—including within the relationship we have with ourselves.
And self-care is not easy. Especially if you have not been taught how it works! And most of us have not been taught how it works—because we’re been raised by folks who, like us, were told that self-care is complacent, frivolous, a waste of time, ungodly, boring… and selfish.
Self-care is our responsibility because this is how we build the capacity to be in this world as it is. Because when our needs are met, we can see reality, and understand that reality is on our side, and that what is not working is serving a very important purpose, showing us where our self-care is lacking, still.
So what is capacity? It’s the inner space we were meant to lead and live with, and that our culture has taught us to sacrifice to the altar of service and productivity. It’s the beingness that we’re meant to honor and embody, and that has been replaced by an obsession with doing. It’s our ability to be with our thoughts, the emotions they create, the feelings that follow, and the behaviors our thoughts and emotions drive us into. It’s our awareness that the world itself might not be created by us, but that our perspective of it is dramatically—if not fully—shaped from the inside out.
We can all verify that last part quite easily, with a simple exercise:
Remember a moment when you were very mad at someone you loved, feeling disappointed or deceived, a time where it was either way too cold, too wet, or too hot, and you happened to also be very thirsty and hungry. (yes, that time sucked.) Think about how you would greet a stranger in the street who asks you for directions at that very moment.
Now picture yourself in a dreamy place of your everyday life: your favorite cafe, a bench in the park, the beach if you’re close to one, a golden meadow, a lively street on a relaxed summer night… you just received very good news from a loved one or on a project close to your heart. And that’s when a stranger kindly asks you for directions. How do you answer now?
Strangers asking for directions are not the problem. Our state of being at that moment is. And our state of being is greatly impacted by how much we’re doing, doing, doing, doing at all times.
Pay attention to how everyone starts their description of any day or week by “Busy”, as it was something to celebrate or commiserate about—and not something that is actually a lot more in our control than we know.
Capacity is not something that you’re born with or not. It's not something that some were gifted with, and others not. Capacity is a very fluid concept. It’s the one part of our universe that we have, if not complete control over, complete access to, at any given time and, thus, complete control on harnessing, expanding, nurturing and enabling. Through self-care. Through self-responsibility. By choosing to make it our priority and by understanding that, without capacity, we fall into auto pilot and that serves literally no one.
So how do we build capacity you might ask? And there’s no short answer.
That’s a lifelong journey, that’s our mission or Earth, that’s why we were offered bodies to guide and hold us on this planet, that’s why it’s paramount for us to learn how to deeply reconnect with our hearts. That’s the quest driving our breath; that’s the most important question we can ever ask, and the start of a whole new way to feel, see and be in the world. Welcome.
We build capacity by meeting ourselves wholeheartedly, body and soul, where we are right now. We accept that this is who we are, what we need, what we want, and how we have been programmed until now.
We acknowledge our fears without judging them and we welcome them. We understand that they serve a purpose, and that they’re trying to keep us safe.
We meet our truest dreams and stop judging them because they don’t fit with what is expected of us or what we’ve been trained to believe we’re supposed to dream of.
We embrace our humanness, the fact that we do have needs, and we stop belittling our bodies when they ask for water, nutritious food, deep uninterrupted sleep, exercise, relaxation, hugs, tenderness, kisses, showers, love and reverence. We realize that our bodies are selfless creatures always trying to serve us and asking, in reality, for very little in return of what they constantly invest in us.
We stop telling ourselves that being selfless and busy is a badge of honor, and start wondering if the goal should really be to abandon ourselves in the name of others, and not instead to show up for ourselves, in order to be able to show up for others. We understand that selfishness is asking someone else to put their energy into meeting our needs because we’re not giving ourselves permission to do it ourselves, and that those needs exist and must be met one way or another. We understand that doing what brings us joy and meaning will not and cannot hurt anyone else, and that what would be selfish is to dictate what others do with their lives and bodies—not to use ours for our dreams and purposes.
We learn what feels true, safe, healing and nourishing to us. We learn to go deeper into ourselves when a so-called negative emotion arises, understanding that it means that something needs our attention—that is it is not an invitation to check out and that it is a very important request to check in.
We get real on who brings us comfort and who brings us chaos. On who and what brings out the best of us. On what drives us towards our worst. We realize that we have complete control on what we choose to think and do, and that all we can ever lack is the capacity to choose what we think and do. We partner with our emotions and feelings to learn how this extraordinary inner guidance system works and stop shaming those emotional messengers who are only there to tell us where our own unique true north lies.
We remember that love is the surest force on Earth and that anything that drives us away from love must be examined and seen as a sign of misalignment. We understand that misalignment calls for our focus and dedication to our inner world to increase—not disappear—before this misalignment makes havoc with our daily lives.
We build in practices that allow us to come home to ourselves, and we surround ourselves with those who are willing to care for their own capacity and to help us grow and protect ours.
We learn how to heal and how to repair, and we stop spending unnecessary energy trying to prevent unavoidable ruptures that are part of life and our most important growth opportunities.
We learn how to care for ourselves first, and understand that we have the keys to understand both our humanness and our humanity already! Because we are who we always meant to study, to become, to be. And we are what we have to offer to ourselves, to others, to all that is. So let’s make sure that what we have to offer is all that we can be.
Let’s commit to building our own capacity. Let’s commit to being our own source of safety, love, wisdom and integrity. Let’s heal and reshape our inner worlds together and watch the world we inhabit transform, and heal.
I’ll be off for the next two weeks enjoying my beloved New York and traveling to mystical and inspiring New Orleans. I’ll be recharging, reflecting on what I need to deepen and expand, and letting go of what no longer serves. I’ll be grieving what the little leo inside should not have to carry anymore and drawing the dreams that future leo counts on me to turn into reality. I’ll be writing and singing of course, but only in response to my heart’s calling and when my body is open to it. I won’t be sharing what I write and sing for two weeks, and let myself remember that it’s okay to create only just for me—if only just at first, if only for the joy it seeds in me. I’ll be sleeping as much as I can and find other ways to rest when I can’t. I’ll be listening to the whispers of my body and tending to the screams in my mind, with patience and love. I’ll lean into acceptance and surrender and let Life flow me, at her divine rhythm, no matter where it takes me and if I don’t achieve anything, learn anything, do anything that would allow me to label my vacation as a success. I will trust that what is is what I need, because Life knows best, and I’m ready to truly experience all of it.
So I’ll be offline for a bit, and I hope that it will be a time we can all dedicate to building capacity.
And before I go, what about that one real-life magic moment from the week I was inviting us to reflect about?
For me, it was on Sunday afternoon, while struggling to adjust to the weight of a cute pitbull, who just won’t accept that he’s not a lapdog, and who tries forever more to convince me that 50 lbs is not that much for my legs to welcome. Listening to the studio recording of one of my song, deep into the editing process, I heard how my voice had cracked on the word loneliness… and I could feel fully, for the first time in a long time, that part of me that was exiled when I was thirteen years old and when one of my best friends told me that my life was too sad for her to want to be my friend anymore. (I had lost one of the persons I loved most a few days before). And suddenly, here I was standing heartbroken in the cold of that lonely winter in Paris, hopeless and officially alone. But at the same time, here I was, in the body of a loving and caring adult, on that hot New York afternoon, reconnecting to the depth of the tear that was created into my inner world, 25 years ago. In that moment, I could choose to show the little girl inside that I will NEVER walk away from her. I could also explain to her that her life was never too sad for her friend… her friend was just too little to have the capacity to hold something this big and this unfathomable for a child! No child should have to… and no child has to anymore as far as my inner world is concerned, because I am an adult now. So I can hold it now. And, actually, obviously, I could hold it back then too. Realizing this is how we start rewriting the stories that keep us feeling lonely and unworthy. They become the stories of how strong and deserving of love we are. That’s also what exposing our cracks through art does, at the very least for the artist… and more often than not for everyone around them. It heals. Creativity heals. And so does vulnerability. So, time-traveling and healing through what I love most (singing) and through what scares me the most (my own vulnerability)… That feels like real-life magic to me.
CARE.CHECK: Is capacity a concept you’re used to reflect on and compose with? Do you have questions you need to ask me?
What expands your inner capacity? Can you make a commitment to check more often with yourself where you are and how you feel?
I’m excited for all the life-changing shifts that focusing on your capacity will bring.
With kindness, love and light—because I truly believe they’re our most sacred offering to this world.
Always,
leo