Do you have someone who believes in you? That truly believes in you?
I didn't always. I do now.
And it changes everything. It changes me. It makes ME believe in me.
And, yes, we should be able to believe in ourselves on our own, but it's really hard to so when no one ever showed you how.
We are mirroring creatures. We all like to remind ourselves that we learn by experience, but we mostly and firstly learn by observation. This is why our family of origin and our culture impact us so greatly. We believe things should be done one way but then we look around and everyone seems to be doing it another way. This has to be the right way then, we convince ourselves. And we abandon our hearts and our inner sense of belonging on the altar of validation, thinking it will prove to others that we belong.
But I digress.
As a life coach, as a writer, as a singer, as a human soul, I have learned that when someone truly believes in you, something starts shifting inside our heart because something starts shifting inside our mind. The "what if I fall..." slowly returns to a much healthier "what if I fly?". We stop focusing on how hard it seems to achieve and remember that what matters is that it’s possible to achieve it.
Let's imagine a baby all alone on an island and decide for the sake of argument that, yes, the baby finds a way to survive for the first 15 months. And let's call the baby Nina (because there's a picture of Nina Simone behind my laptop and because she embodies the idea of surviving inhuman circumstances). It is now time for Nina to learn how to walk but there's no one there to guide her. Can you imagine how difficult it is going to be for her? Without an adult to cheer her on, to tell her that she can do it, that there is no doubt about that, no matter how many times she falls back on her bum? To tell her that no one knows how to walk right away, not even the best walker on earth (if there is such a thing). To tell her not to compare herself to a walking adult and allow herself to learn at her own pace (I know. She's alone on a deserted island and has no reason or mean to compare herself to anyone but if we're imagining a parent, we can also imagine a crowd). Someone to tell her that failing is a part of the learning process and therefore not the opposite of success but the first step towards it... It would be great if Nina could find it in her to just believe in herself and her ability to walk, but having a trusting adult by her side would definitely help her walk sooner and make the process a lot more enjoyable. It will also give her the idea that she CAN walk in the first place. That it’s a thing! That it has been done before. That it’s a good skill to develop and acquire... That it’s possible.
If only we could remember the joy and awe on our parents' faces when we make our very first step… We'd probably spend a little less time doubting that we can ever do something big enough to impress them.
We are our own worst enemy in a lot of ways, and this little bully brain of ours is relentless. Nothing can ever be good enough the first time for it to allow you to try again and actually get the chance to reach the level we know it takes approximately 3000 tryouts to reach… and 10000 to master. Every sharp note, every breathy start, every strain in my voice is judged by Bully brain as a mortal offense and sends it on a furious rant about why I should never be allowed to sing again. N-E-V-E-R. Every time I type a word, Bully brain sturnly reminds me that no one is interested in what I write, say or think. Why would they? It definitely asked who I thought I was to consider moving to a city as beautiful as New York… and why would anyone consider hiring me. It said that I was doomed when I decided to leave medicine - immediately forgetting that it had spent the last three decades telling me that I was not good enough to be a physician. It wonders why someone in their right mind would be friends with me; it laughs at the idea of someone choosing to spend time with me. It wants me to hide, shrink, disappear and to do it immediately. And then shames me for hiding, for shrinking and disappearing, and for my poor timing in staging my own downfall.
We are our own worst enemy in so many ways and yet, we can learn how to become the best friend we could ever have hoped to meet. How to reparent ourselves. How to advocate for our dreams and how to make them our priority (yes: priority. Not priorities. A list of “priorities” is a glorified to-do list on which you crucified your authentic priority).
We can learn how to turn our dreams into plans. And how to turn our plans into facts.
We can learn to do it all on our own, of course. But we're one against Bully brain, and Bully brain is loud and at least as clever as we are (it’s us!). Yet Bully brain has a powerful advantage: it doesn't doubt itself. Bully brain is convinced that it's right! And convinced people convince people a lot more easily than those trying to fight back attacks they hope they don't deserve, but are quite certain they might at least partly have earned.
This is why having someone who believes in you is invaluable…
No one believed in me until someone truly believed in me, so I didn’t realize how deeply I was craving it. I would have sworn that I was proud of being able to do it all on my own, never realizing that I was not doing either that much, nor what I truly wanted to do. I took pride in how resilient I am and in my survival skills, and I never considered that Life was not meant to be overcome, but lived.
When no one believes in us, we hide behind what we can measure. What we can easily oppose to Bully brain’s grumpiness. I saw these many patients. I wrote these many articles. I have these many diplomas. I ran this many miles. I saw this number of people I-call-friends-for-a-lack-of-a-better-word this week. I went to this very fancy party. I got this many likes on my last post, I must matter. I’m wearing these very specific clothes. I sleep this number of hours, and it makes me a hero to sleep this little in the name of hustling culture or a very cool person to allow myself to be a rebel and “enjoy and relax”. I eat this because it’s good and never this because it’s bad (and yes it was different last year, because last year the opposite was true; and I choose to believe that the same thing could be good or bad to the same body depending on a fashion trend, because it feels better to hold on to a fake fact that to realize that we don’t know).
When no one believes in us, we use labels to be recognized. We borrow ideas and jump on someone else’s crusade. We look for a problem to fix and pretend that it’s the cause we were meant to become a martyr for. We take a deep breath in the morning and trust that the apnea will deplete our heart and gut of the energy they would need to tame our brain’s misguided ways.
More often than not, when no one believes in us, we learn to only believe in others because somewhere along the way we internalized that we’re not worthy of being believed in. Not even by ourselves. And of course there are a few angelic exceptions of human beings who just knew to trust in their inherent worth, to see their talents as gifts to be shared and honored, the doubts of others as a reason to only trust themselves, and wouldn’t understand why one would choose to bet against themselves and leave their own side. But that’s not most of us… And even those who do believe in themselves benefit from someone believing them.
And it seems important to emphasize that I’m not talking about praises here. I’m talking about support. About someone knowing that you have what it takes, that you have the right questions and the true answers. That you will figure this out no matter how unprepared or lost you appear to be and seem convinced that you are. That you’re more than enough, that you’re it, that you’re the one you’re looking for. And that you have your dreams because you were meant to turn them into reality. For your sake and ours. That they were born through your fairy godmothers whispers and took root in your heart because your heart was the perfect soil for them to grow and for the seeds to turn into a forest of blessings.
Be it a friend, a partner, a teacher, a coach or me: lean on those who believe in you. That’s how you will know how to believe in yourself… And that is how the magic happens. That’s the trick. That’s what we call miracles. That’s what Peter Pan tried to all teach us. You need to believe to be able to see… what is already there. And that’s how close we can get in this realm, to a magic spell.