Time heals no wound.
Yet healing takes time. Let me explain...
You can’t feel what you can’t feel, and you cannot not feel what you feel.
Those are two very important truths I’m trying to honor and acknowledge in every layer of my consciousness. And it’s not easy.
Why can’t I choose? “It’d be better”, says the ego. “I’d do a much better job than the soul, for sure!”, it adds. “I’d be right all the time and people would see it and follow my lead. I would change the world in an instant, because I would be much better at it than God.” Which is ironic because the ego is the very reason why feeling is so hard. The constant labeling... The fighting of What is… The denial of what is not.
They say that it’s the hope that kills you, but that’s not hope they’re speaking about! It’s wishful thinking.
Hoping that it doesn’t rain is not hope, it’s denial.
Hoping that someone who’s not trying to change will change is not hope, it’s dangerous - and an unconscious impulse to control.
Hoping that someone who does not see any harm in what they’ve done will genuinely apologize is not hope, it’s self-torture.
Hoping that something which happened did not is not hope, it’s an innocent and misguided attempt to rewrite a story we don’t know how to tell. To feel less lonely and isolated… not realizing that our trials to erase what happened is what makes us feel separated - not what happened in itself.
That’s the foundation of trauma, the tragedy of the human psyche, the line between Love and Fear and the step from wholeness to disintegration.
You cannot not feel what you feel. You can only understand.
I’ve been raised as a woman, so I’ve been trained to believe that my job is only and always to help or to smile - preferably both. So, of course, I don’t want to feel anger or resentment (which are two very different things, even though they often get confused). Those feelings are registered as death sentences by my armor.
There’s a reason why Let it go became such a phenomenon. Millions of girls and women reconnected to their heart through a few belty notes, and the dream of a castle where to be our most majestic beautiful and inspiring selves, far away from the reactions of a world which celebrates fawning and perfectionism, and vilifies kindness and authenticity. Don’t let them in, don’t let them see, be the good girl you always had to be! Conceal… DON’T FEEL. Don’t let them know.
And the sad part is that no one knows who “they” are, we only know that it’s their fault. And the saddest part is that we include ourselves among those “they” who must never know who we truly are, what we truly know.
This knowing that our mind can deny but our body can not. This knowing that our gut, our chest, our throat, our shoulders, our eyes betray if we let them talk to us. But we don’t; because the mind can deny, and the mind can exile. Exile both our body and our inner child. We get cut from the essence of who we are… and we wonder why we feel so lost.
(Feel, here’s that word again.)
We feel lost and we feel numb. And this numbness is where our humanity and dreams slowly sink and die.
But we can make a different choice today. We can open our mind, then our eyes and find our way back to our soul, through our lungs and hearts. They’re still here. Keeping us alive… Beating for us, breathing us. Waiting for us to awaken.
The body never stops trying to protect us, and we can learn how to care for the body in return.
However we can’t feel now, what we can’t feel yet… and I’m learning to accept that I still can’t reach my sadness today. Or that I can only meet my anger when she overpowers all my defense mechanisms and makes a mess of my so neatly tidied up environment.
I’m also learning that my anger is rooted in love and standing for what’s right, what’s true, what’s sacred and unadulterated in the buried dimension of our experience on Earth. I’m learning to welcome my anger and invite my sadness to the surface of the icy wall, which surrounds my memories and those defining moments which keep on freezing my present back into the past.
I’m learning to look at the sun for comfort and at the sky for answers. Learning to stay still and to listen to the deafening silence of denial, until the voice of a little girl starts singing in the distance. Softly, tenderly, achingly… Until I can hear the words she’s trying to send me. Until I can feel how terrified she feels and gauge how alone and small she still is. Until the light of our creator can find its way through a crack and warm its way up to my mouth and fingers. Until I can bring her story to this page and to our compassion’s healing power. Until now. Where for a brief second I can feel and see and be. A glorious glimpse of peace. The blossoming of a tiny petal of a rose called unconditional love.
So yes, Let the storm rage on. Because we can’t not feel what we feel. Because we always feel what we feel for a good reason. And because we can’t feel what we can’t feel… again for a very good reason.
We feel what we feel because those feelings are guiding us home. Towards joy, away from pain. Towards true love, away from what hurts us and others.
If we don’t let ourselves connect with those emotions, we lose the compass God gave us to guide our way on Earth. We lose our connection to all that is and our connection to ourselves. We get lost into the nothingness of all that is not; and we feel small, fragile, purposeless, depleted of our sense of meaning and source of grace.
Our feelings are our anchor into the spaciousness of all there is, our shared beingness, our essence.
And we can’t feel what we can’t feel because the body is blocking us… In case we’re not ready, in case we’re still too young, unskilled and overly exposed. Until the body knows we made it out of danger, out of our trauma bonds and nightmares. Until the body can be sure we’re safe beyond a reasonable doubt. Until we can show up for the body the way the body showed up for us… and it takes time.
Time heals no wounds. However there’s a truth in this common saying, because healing takes time. Patience. Softness. Acceptance. Healing is a journey, not an event. Healing is not a turning point in our life story, it’s the second act of the musical of our time on Earth. It can start very early or very late. It can start in our early childhood, or on our deathbed.
And when it starts, it never ends. Not until we do. Not until we take our last breath in and then exhale our life back to our Creator and the Universe.
This journey is how we meet our human ego and transcend its fear to free the unconditional love our soul was sent to bring into form on this gorgeous planet we call Home. Healing starts when we suddenly stop on our way away from our deepest values, which are for me Truth and Kindness, and make a U turn to find our way back to the source of our being. Healing means stopping the projections of our mind on the outside world, and choosing to look inside with curiosity and sincerity… until we can find the rainbows which enlighten every cloud and the stars which only the darkest of night can bring to light.
Healing is not the line between before and after, healing is what happens after crossing the line of this “before” that we call past or “my life” or “my story”. Healing begins when we understand that “before” is not the story of who we are… It’s the story of who we are not.
CARECHECK: Please gently and kindly ask yourself… “Where am I holding on to the belief that the past could have been different and call it hope that it will get better in the future?”
What feeling comes up with the answer?
What message is this feeling holding for your heart to hold, cuddle and nurture?
What do you need right now?
This is my favorite one yet. Thank you for this. Lots to meditate on... 🦢 💜