"What do you do when you realize all of your dreams have come true?"
Apart from thanking Liz Gilbert and my hometown's cathedral for being such a constant inspiration
There is more than one reason why Coyote ugly became what they call a cult classic; and knowing that it was based on a piece of writing from our treasured Liz Gilbert makes it even more magical. Yet, if I could only keep one memory of it, it would be how I felt when Kevin asked Violet "what do you do when you realize all of your dreams have come true?".
Her dream being becoming a songwriter in New York, the question did catch my attention, and something in my heart grabbed onto that question mark as if a promise was hidden in it. A promise that could get me across the Atlantic, away from the abuse, the heartache... away from what they said was my home. A promise that would get me across the Atlantic, to New York, to sing... to a place which would feel like home.
I was 13 when I saw the musical, Notre Dame de Paris, for the first time. I was heartbroken, lost and couldn't remember how to breathe without shaking with fear and sorrow. But… there was a dream in my heart. Someday I would live in New York, someday I would be a singer, a songwriter, a writer and someday, I would be on a stage to rewrite my uninspired story into an inspiring musical.
New York has been my north star for as long as I can remember, and New York was the last place I had remembered what joy felt like at the time. Singing was the only way I could remember what it felt like to be in New York! And writing was the only source of courage I had left and where I found my energy to keep singing.
That afternoon at the Palais des congrès, in Paris, something clicked in me when those beautiful songs walked us through the tragedy of Quasimodo and Esmeralda. Something called hope. For a few minutes, for a few notes, I started to believe again… That I would be okay someday, somehow. That I would make it out and to New York. That there was a way, and that I would find it. That I could sing and that I could write, and that it was all I needed to survive. Because I could dream my way out. Because my dreams could still come true. And they would.
I didn’t understand how seeing a French musical in Paris could be a sign that someday I would be singing in a musical in New York; but I needed to trust this instinct to survive. So I did.
I was 32 when I saw it again. I had no idea of how broken my heart still was. I was numbing my way through pain and thought that if you could lessen the pain, it meant you were happy. I was lost, I felt small and I was exhausted… I had given up on all my dreams. On singing. On writing. On New York.
I was dedicating my life to my patients, hoping that becoming a martyr in their name would bring me the solace I didn't believe in any more. Hoping that forfeiting my humanity to a broken system might redeem me from the guilt and the shame I carried on my shoulders from morning till dusk, and from the first nightmare I would make while falling asleep to the last one I would make before waking up. Hoping that serving humanity would somehow bring back a sense of humanity under my anesthetized skin and through my restless body. Hoping there was still something to hope for.
And that night, once again, something deep inside me vibrated. Under the layers of denial. Stronger than my strongest fear. The shy whisper of a long forgotten dream. What if, Leo? What if you could sing again? What if New York was still just an ocean away? What if there was still something beating, behind the barricades trauma had built around my heart? What if dreams could still come true? What if they would?
I didn’t understand where all of this was coming from, but I needed to trust this instinct to survive. So I did.
I am 37 now and I live in New York. I sing and I write and I am finally letting my songs come out into this beautiful world. It took everything I had to get everything I now have, but my dreams are coming true in front of my bewildered eyes. And on Friday night… I went to see the musical Notre Dame de Paris, again. But this time it was in New York. Where I live. Where I write. Where I sing. Where I am.
And something started to dance in my heart… Suddenly, I could hear this message soar and call the names of a very sad little girl and a very traumatized young woman’s names:
“Dear younger Leo, please listen. Please hear my voice and trust me. Because dreams do come true my Darling. Because you’re not going to feel the way you’re feeling (or unable to feel) right now forever.
This is just a chapter, this is not your story. This is not how it ends, it is only how it begins. There is a song in your heart that will carry you through anything. You will make it out of there. I promise you. You will find your way out, you will find your way back in. And New York will be right there to catch you when you’re ready!
It won’t be late. It’s never too late. There is always hope. There is always a reason to rekindle your dream. And you might forget your dream… but your dream will never forget you.
So dream on, my love, and breathe. You’ve got this. You’re almost there. Close your eyes and let the music guide you home. Home. Where all your dreams will come true.”
I don’t really understand how this message will reach my younger selves, but they need to hear this to survive. So I trust it will.
I trust it has.
And I hope that it will reach your heart too, in case there is a dream that you’re wondering if you can trust or not. Your dreams are not here to trick you, to tempt you, to torture you. They’re here to save you, carry you and free you. They’re the map, the path, they’re your north star. They don’t need to make sense, it’s not their job! No, that’s our job to make sense of them. And we don’t need to know how to make them come true, they don’t need our help! No. They only need our trust.
And we might forget our dream, but our dream will never forget us.
So yes dream on, my Darling friend. That’s the point of our journey down here. That’s how we will make it home.
By following our own north star. By following OUR dream. The dream we were meant to make a reality.
We’ve got this. We’re almost there.
Let’s close our eyes and let our dreams guide us home. Home, where we’ll get to realize that all our dreams have come true.
And where there’ll be nothing left to do but to say with humility, awe and excitement… thank you.