Your needs are valid. That's not up for discussion.

Did you know that?

leo Guilbe 🦢

Dec 21, 2023

WEEKLY CARE.CHECK:

Think about a need that you tried to share with someone who couldn’t receive it recently.

Think about how they reacted.

And witness what happened within you… Did you feel shame, sadness, anger?

Did you judge your need? Did you try to adapt your needs to the help that was being offered because your need suddenly felt invalid, out of place, undefendable?

Did you try to shapeshift your need because you didn’t know how to get the help you needed and therefore tried to need the help you got?

Take a moment to reflect about that, to talk it out with a trusted friend, to write to me about it or at the very least to ask your heart what it has to say on the subject.

Then take a moment to identify which kind of help you would have needed if your need could have been met…

And then if you feel called to, set a little prayer to be guided towards the kind of help you actually needed in that moment: Because THAT’S the help you deserved.

** First, if you’re new here, what is a Care.Check?

Self-care is the gateway to self-love, and self-love is the womb of self-creation.

Self-creation is how we become all that we were meant to be. How we turn our sacred dream into reality! How we embody our gifts so that we can share them with our beautiful hearts… and this extraordinary world.

THIS is why self-care matters so much.

And to truly take care of ourselves, we need to understand ourselves—which means both our inner system and our vision of the world—deeply.

Which is why we need to understand our body (our home and temple), our heart (our compass and anchor in love), our mind (our formidable assistant) and our parts (this inner family that has always lived beneath our skin and that IFS is revealing to us now).

So those weekly (newsletter) and daily (in Notes) Care.Checks are here to guide us back to our truth and intuition—while we travel this fascinating and soulful journey on Earth, together.

Hello my caring friend,

Jumping right in today, because I’m really excited to put it all in writing—and, as always, I would love to know if and how any of this resonates with you?

I’m realizing that this is why one writes, sings, creates, speaks… because we all yearn to be known in our essence. We yearn to connect to that truest truth that rules our inner world—and to realize that this truth is alive in others too…

We want to know that it matters that we were here—not particularly because of who we uniquely are, but because of our unique ability to share who we all are underneath our masks, our skins, our conditioning, our fears…

One of my best friends told me yesterday that she loved connecting to who I am through my writing, because that’s the most authentic part of me... I pray that this will never change.

I pledge to always let my heart choose my words so that you can always find on this page, a space where vulnerability is celebrated, revered and experienced.

I am ever so grateful for your willingness to witness me—and my hope is to write and sing some of the words that your heart longed to read or hear, until it’s time for me to leave this earth.

My prayer is that it will also inspire you to put your dreams and wounds into art, words or any form that feels like a reuniting experience… because that’s how our dreams and our wounds turn into gold!

That’s how we heal. And that’s how we find our way home into the core of our beings.

So please… feel invited to share your writing, drawing, songs, dance, collages or photographs in the comment.

Let’s redefine what self-care means together, so that we can all walk our path of self-creation with the sense of belonging and joy that we all inherently deserve.

* …on this page, a space where vulnerability is celebrated,

revered and experienced. *

And on that note, as hinted in this week’s Care.Check, I want us to talk about needs today.

How much our needs matter. How misunderstood they tend to be. How VITAL meeting them is! And most importantly how permitted they are.

** ABOUT OUR NEEDS

What if we could start… Acknowledging them.

Honoring them.

Sharing them.

Cherishing them even.

What if we could remember that they were never supposed to be judged or validated? They’re only meant to be witnessed. And then celebrated. And then tended to.

They’re only here to help… TO HELP US BE WHO WE ARE, wholeheartedly.

They’re only there to allow us to shine brightly, to love unconditionally and to live vibrantly.

They’re only there to warn us when our wholeness is in jeopardy—and to guide us to what needs to be done, seen, heard, let go of or initiated.

Our needs are not a burden or a liability. They’re not a character flaw or a glitch in human design. They’re not a sign that something’s wrong with us!

I mean they are a sign that something is wrong, yes—or at least that something is not exactly right—but they’re not a sign that something is wrong with us. That something is in us or around us, but that something is not US.

Loneliness doesn't mean that no one loves me, loneliness means that I’m not tending to my human needs to be connected to those I love. Anger doesn’t need that I’m dangerous, it means that my system has registered a leak in our well of unconditional love that needs to be addressed and mended. Sadness is not a sign that I’m broken, it means that one form of love has left my experience and that this loss must be grieved and honored. Frustration doesn’t mean that I’m impatient or unkind, it means that I need to review my expectations and understand where there’s a mismatch with the ways of the world. Needing to be heard doesn’t need that I’m an egomaniac, it means that I matter too, and that if I don’t take some space too in our relationship then it’s not a relationship—it’s a transaction where I get paid by your validation and you through my people-pleasing. Needing alone time does not mean that I’m a hermit or antisocial, it means that my nervous system and my inner world needs tending—and that it’s time to slow down, to pause, to reset and come home to me.

I could go on and on on how our culture has taught us to misrepresent all our needs, through self-blaming labels that inspire shame and cut us from ourselves—instead of igniting the self-love that is meant to unite us to our inner center.

And that’s because we’re incredibly well-intended creatures, but we tend to view the world in the reverse order than the way it works.

* Our needs are only there to warn us when our wholeness is in jeopardy *

** ABOUT THE WAY IT WORKS

Our thoughts birth all our emotions; and our emotions then drive our behavior.

Which means that, contrary to common beliefs, we cannot make anyone feel anything—and they cannot make us feel anything either. It’s IMPOSSIBLE.

If you lie about me and I don’t know about it? I’m fine. If you lie to me and I learn about it, then I'll think about it and I’ll get sad or mad.

You didn’t make me feel betrayed. The thought “they betrayed me” did.

It doesn’t mean that my behavior doesn’t impact you, of course not! My behavior can influence your thought! But once again only to the extent that you’re willing to allow.

If I want to make you feel good by throwing you a surprise birthday party and if, when the light goes on, your thought is “how could she not know how much I hate surprise parties!?!?”, I cannot make you feel happy against your will… I tried! AND you felt disappointed, hurt, annoyed or angry.

This is why intentions do matter so much! I do believe that intentions are the most important foundation for a relationship and of someone’s character.

Let’s make sure to surround ourselves with people who want us to feel seen, heard, valued and cherished… Let’s PROMISE this to each other today.

AND that’s why intentions are not enough… and why impact matters too. If we want someone we love to feel loved, we need to make sure we are using ways that match and serve that intention.

I’m a vegetarian introvert with a nut-allergy: I will not feel loved if you buy me peanuts and a hotdog while dragging me to a huge outdoor gathering where small talk is the only means of communication… I’ll come to that party with you—and feel hungry and lonely for as long as you need me to—if that party is especially important for you! Of course I will! But it will have to be seen as me doing something for you. (Not as something designed to enhance my own well-being.)

And it’s the same way with the way we help and receive help.

* We cannot make anyone feel anything

—and they cannot make us feel anything either. *

** ABOUT HELP

Lately, I’ve realized that I made a mistake on my journey back from people-pleasing and as a former resident of the Karpman triangle’s pedestal (HERE is what that means).

In my attempt to learn how to ask for help, I forgot to identify first which kind of help I needed. And even more importantly I forgot to teach myself first that my needs do matter.

That they’re VALID. No matter what anyone thinks of them—including me.

And that was a costly mistake that almost cut my will to ever try again.

We all know that there’s nothing that feels lonelier than to be lonely when we’re NOT alone. Well, it’s the same with asking for help… That’s one thing, to feel like we can’t rely on anyone (it sucks)—AND it’s a whole other endeavor to believe that we can rely on someone but then be told that the way we rely on others is a problem.

As love would have it, I tried to ask for help two different unequipped people the same week (I like when that happen because the pattern appears more easily). I asked folks who were just unable to meet my needs—and that’s completely fine!—but who couldn’t say so.

They couldn’t say no because they were afraid of what it would mean about them… so they did what anyone does when stuck in reactive mode and feeling defenseless against their own self-blame: they attacked me.

It was not that they were not able or willing to help, I was asked to understand. No! Of course not! They could and would, they insisted. No: I was the problem! Because I wasn’t able to adapt my needs to their ways, they explained.

Also, “you should know that I'm a good person and that what I say therefore cannot be hurtful” was the answer I received when I tried to share how a text had put salt on a wound. Interestingly enough, I was not saying that there was something inherently wrong with the text, I only wanted to explain that in the future, it would be better for us to communicate in a different way. But no... I was wrong. I shouldn’t have felt what I felt—and there was no other conclusion to be found (apparently). We couldn’t even both be right! That wasn’t an option. My need had to be wrong… It was the “only explanation”.

Well, I’m done with accepting those situations.

* I forgot to teach myself first that my needs do matter. *

** ABOUT OUR NEEDS AGAIN

No one has to meet any of my needs, it is my job.

I am not entitled to receive help.

I am however going to require respect going forward: Respect for who I am AND respect for what I experience.

And if someone wants to help me, they don’t get to decide HOW they want it to be done.

In the same way, if you ask for my help, YOU get to decide how you want your problem to be solved. I don’t get to dictate what you expect. I can offer an alternative, of course, but if that’s not what you want? I don’t get to insist. I can either show up the way you’re asking me to or politely state what I’m not willing to do. I do NOT get however to make you feel bad for needing one thing I cannot or am not willing to give you.

If what I said hurt you, I must honor that. I can provide clarification, an explanation or context—IF you want me to and IF you’re ready to receive them. I can get curious on how and why what I shared was received in a different way than what I intended… Actually, let me correct that: I WILL get curious on how and why what I shared was received in a different way than what I intended! That’s how I take responsibility for my side of the street. The only side I’m ever in charge of.

But I don’t get to tell you that you were not hurt or that “if you really were hurt, there’s something really wrong with you”.

We must start all our conversations from a place of equality, anchored in the awareness that only you can know what you feel, and only I can know how I feel.

If what one of us feel is out of proportion, let’s once again get curious about that. Yes, let’s try to understand which wound was coupled with and reactivated through this event! But let’s stop invalidating each other’s experiences whenever they feel complex to understand or inconvenient. That’s not okay.

That’s not what love does.

Love meets us where we are in that moment. No should involved. No fruitless debate on right and wrong. Only what is, met by two hearts dedicated to kindness and comprehension.

* I do NOT get to make you feel bad

for needing one thing I cannot or am not willing to give you. *

** ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS

Now not everyone is compatible with everyone, and that’s also a fact of life we must learn to honor.

Someone who needs complete freedom and constant change cannot be with someone who needs to be anchored by a stable structure to thrive. It doesn’t mean that one is right and the other is wrong. Both beings are to be celebrated for the energy they bring into the world! We need dancing stars that travel the universe to spread the light where it was never seen before and we need lighthouses that provide grounding and reminders that safe havens are everywhere to be found.

If I have to change who I am to be with you, I am not meant to be with you.

There are skills to be learned, and relationships take work. Anyone who thinks “it shouldn’t be this hard”, will never be able to create a deep enchanting container. “It shouldn’t be this painful” however IS a very good rule of thumb for a relationship.

But hard does not mean painful.

It can be hard as in complex—and the more work we put in, the more easeful our relationships are… let’s be very clear about that. When we truly get to know each other and show up for regular updates, relationships don’t become easy, but they feel simple, meaningful and like an everlasting source of meaning and joy.

Now, if I’ve honed my relationship skills, if I’ve also put up the energy and time required to truly know you, and if you’ve done the same with me… and we STILL constantly hurt each other every time we do something that feels natural to our hearts? Then our relationship is doomed. We can still love each other: Love is unconditional. But we cannot build a daily life together…

There’s a sacred beauty—and SO MUCH HEALING—to be found in accepting that.

* If I have to change who I am to be with you, I am not meant to be with you. *

** ABOUT OUR NEEDS ONE LAST TIME

Your needs are your needs, and they matter. I do not have to meet them if I don’t have the capacity to do so, but if I commit to meeting them, I do not get to dictate their shape, form, depth. And I do not get to decide if they are valid or not! EVER.

Your needs are valid and are meant to be met in the way they need to be met.

My needs are my needs, and they matter. You do not have to meet them if you don’t have the capacity to do so, but if you commit to meeting them, you do not get to choose how they look or manifest. You do not get to decide if they are valid or not… EVER.

My needs are valid and are meant to be met in the way they need to be met.

Our needs are our needs AND THEY MATTER. They’re are the guardians of our humanity. Our way into connection and regulation.

They’re how we know that we’re safe, and how we know that we belong. In this world. To ourselves… And with each other.

Our needs are not meant to be judged, our needs are sacred.

Let us all remember that we’re in charge first and foremost of meeting them—and that our role in each other’s lives is mostly to make sure that we all have what we need to meet our own needs. And what we need to do that is love.

Love is, at its core, the act of witnessing the extraordinary being in front of us and to remind them that they matter. That they belong, just the way they are.

Love reminds us that we are whole and complete—and that we can never ever lack because we hold the greatest magic there is, right in our hearts.

That magic is called love.