Hi V, thank you for sharing your vulnerability with us. It all sounds very heavy to embody, and I hope you can find a safe place to put down these boulders that your shoulders carry, and tend to your wounds with all the tenderness and compassion you deserve.
In my experience, when we heal what happened within ourselves, we heal it within others to. That doesn't always mean that bonds reappear on the level of form, but they are reborn in love where it matters most... at the center of our hearts.
Forgiving ourselves for what we did in survival mode is one of the most sacred and tricky invitations... but you're not alone. Love is the air we breathe. Love is all around.
One thing that came up for me while reading was The Work of Byron Katie. It sounds like it could deeply support you right now (I wrote about it often and especially in "About what we know for sure") 🌷
Take care of you, help is always on the way and help is always here, now 💌
Dearest leo, if you only knew.... if you only knew...how I wish my 40 year old daughter woud read ALL that you write and share from the depth of your healing and wisdom on your path. I'm curious what thoughts you might have when as I read all that you write, although I totally resonate personally (and find I SO wish I could hear you sing!! ; ) ... I'm led to think of my daughter and how wounded she is by having survived my horrific divorce of her father when she was basically left on her own to transition through high school (also with a seizure disordered she was medicated for)... I was there, but not there as she needed me. My analogy is while I was just able to keep my nose above water not to drown, my two children were drowning right next to me and there wasn't a thing I could do to muster the ability or strength to save them. Just a hard fact. No now... now... that I am finally in place of solitude, calm, alone with my 'parts' and inner being exploring body/mind/soul on a level that's new to my nervous system... sadly, it's now that I am AVAILABLE to "own" my past survival techniquest of it being essential to have "control" given my whole life has been "power over me" by others. I'm realzing it's not mine anymore to "educate my children" to "see me"... it's not for me to be seen by them.. it's the opposite. Although I feel "if they only saw me, knew me, knew all that I survived.. they'd 'get it', understand why things had to be the way they were, etc." My son seems to have 'adjusted', though our relationship is spaced and distanced. My daughter (in Switzerland) has removed herself from any regualar contact with me and I understand... though it's heart breaking... she considers it "boundaries" that she needs from me so not to be triggered. All very sad, in a very deep way adding salt to the wound I've already endured as a survivor of trauma since a kid. So, what's a mother to do?? I reread your writing that SO moves me, and leaves me nodding my head and sighing, yes... yes... THAT is the road and awareness to healing!! But, here I am on the other side of my dauhter's need to heal now, as more or less (for lack of a better word) the "perpetrator of her dispair"... cause of her sense of abandonment. She's right, I was drowinging myself.... but, I'm here now. I've been trying actively to make up for it all these past 25 years!!! And with all this said, she (of course) has NO idea how much energy and focus, LOVE, I DID put in to her life DURING all the hardest times with her father. She has much of her own work to do to heal her own wounds, and I cannot help her, or fix it. It's her path. So complex, on so many levels. Hand on heart, trying to stay with myself and be responsible for myself, my inner work to find inner peace (heal), be in the present moments now, and "let go" of not being able to soothe my daughter. Hardest thing ever.... and here I am thinking I'd already survived the worst possible.
Thank you for listening, and if this goes to all others who read your writing, I'm open for any comments, reflections, notes of what resonates for you as well.... let me know that you "see me" 🙏 leo, I'd love your thoughts on all this. How DOES one work one's own healing process at the same time feeling the cause of another's (my grown child's) suffering and stuckness around what my actions caused her DURING my own efforts to survive? A KOAN at best, eh'? ; ) I've done SO much inner work my entire adult life.... and this is the pinnacle of the need to "let go, let be, be free"... my long long LONG time mantra! 🙏 Blessings for your time and care... deep bow, gassho. ~ V
Thank you so much 💜 I needed to read this today! I’ve just seen that it’s from July but it popped up today for me and perfect timing xx
Oh how I love that it found you 🫠🩷
Hi V, thank you for sharing your vulnerability with us. It all sounds very heavy to embody, and I hope you can find a safe place to put down these boulders that your shoulders carry, and tend to your wounds with all the tenderness and compassion you deserve.
In my experience, when we heal what happened within ourselves, we heal it within others to. That doesn't always mean that bonds reappear on the level of form, but they are reborn in love where it matters most... at the center of our hearts.
Forgiving ourselves for what we did in survival mode is one of the most sacred and tricky invitations... but you're not alone. Love is the air we breathe. Love is all around.
One thing that came up for me while reading was The Work of Byron Katie. It sounds like it could deeply support you right now (I wrote about it often and especially in "About what we know for sure") 🌷
Take care of you, help is always on the way and help is always here, now 💌
Dearest leo, if you only knew.... if you only knew...how I wish my 40 year old daughter woud read ALL that you write and share from the depth of your healing and wisdom on your path. I'm curious what thoughts you might have when as I read all that you write, although I totally resonate personally (and find I SO wish I could hear you sing!! ; ) ... I'm led to think of my daughter and how wounded she is by having survived my horrific divorce of her father when she was basically left on her own to transition through high school (also with a seizure disordered she was medicated for)... I was there, but not there as she needed me. My analogy is while I was just able to keep my nose above water not to drown, my two children were drowning right next to me and there wasn't a thing I could do to muster the ability or strength to save them. Just a hard fact. No now... now... that I am finally in place of solitude, calm, alone with my 'parts' and inner being exploring body/mind/soul on a level that's new to my nervous system... sadly, it's now that I am AVAILABLE to "own" my past survival techniquest of it being essential to have "control" given my whole life has been "power over me" by others. I'm realzing it's not mine anymore to "educate my children" to "see me"... it's not for me to be seen by them.. it's the opposite. Although I feel "if they only saw me, knew me, knew all that I survived.. they'd 'get it', understand why things had to be the way they were, etc." My son seems to have 'adjusted', though our relationship is spaced and distanced. My daughter (in Switzerland) has removed herself from any regualar contact with me and I understand... though it's heart breaking... she considers it "boundaries" that she needs from me so not to be triggered. All very sad, in a very deep way adding salt to the wound I've already endured as a survivor of trauma since a kid. So, what's a mother to do?? I reread your writing that SO moves me, and leaves me nodding my head and sighing, yes... yes... THAT is the road and awareness to healing!! But, here I am on the other side of my dauhter's need to heal now, as more or less (for lack of a better word) the "perpetrator of her dispair"... cause of her sense of abandonment. She's right, I was drowinging myself.... but, I'm here now. I've been trying actively to make up for it all these past 25 years!!! And with all this said, she (of course) has NO idea how much energy and focus, LOVE, I DID put in to her life DURING all the hardest times with her father. She has much of her own work to do to heal her own wounds, and I cannot help her, or fix it. It's her path. So complex, on so many levels. Hand on heart, trying to stay with myself and be responsible for myself, my inner work to find inner peace (heal), be in the present moments now, and "let go" of not being able to soothe my daughter. Hardest thing ever.... and here I am thinking I'd already survived the worst possible.
Thank you for listening, and if this goes to all others who read your writing, I'm open for any comments, reflections, notes of what resonates for you as well.... let me know that you "see me" 🙏 leo, I'd love your thoughts on all this. How DOES one work one's own healing process at the same time feeling the cause of another's (my grown child's) suffering and stuckness around what my actions caused her DURING my own efforts to survive? A KOAN at best, eh'? ; ) I've done SO much inner work my entire adult life.... and this is the pinnacle of the need to "let go, let be, be free"... my long long LONG time mantra! 🙏 Blessings for your time and care... deep bow, gassho. ~ V